Here without you
by jellerspot
Summary: Pós 2x22: She's gone, but Kurt Weller is not willing to let her go by any means, not even from her heart.


I got out of bed a little later than usual. It had become our weekend routine. Sometimes I'd wake up before her and make her coffee, and sometimes she'd wake up early and pour me some coffee in bed before we'd serve ourselves for the rest of the day. I never thought my days were to be so full of light and happiness, until I had all my mornings beside her, beside the smile and the serenity of her presence eating toast and trying to tell me some joke. Except that morning.

The house looked gray that morning. I did not know if it was the closed time I was out there, but as I took steps toward our kitchen I saw that it was not because of that.

Her alliance.

It was in the kitchen counter.

I stopped and looked at her. I blinked a few times, in the sweet illusion that she might disappear, and Jane might appear, but it did not. On the contrary. With each blink of an eye, it was clearer that his wedding ring was there. Not only his wedding ring, but a small yellow ticket folded.

Suddenly I was afraid to move forward. To take that paper and the gold that in the last months had flickered its finger. I thought doing that would make real my fear that she might have gone, though deep down I knew that was the truth and whether or not to open that role would not change that.

She was gone.

I took the paper and sat down on one of the chairs by the counter. I felt so weak, and it was precisely the one person who still made me feel strong in life so vulnerable that we had. The tears were catching my eyes before I opened that note. I felt so broken, shattered, incomplete. I no longer felt myself without her there.

But I tried to regard it as a gift she had given me. His last words written to me, for now. I was not going to settle down until I found her again, no matter what it was written there. I was not going to settle down because before going the last things she had told me was that she loved me after making me tremble with pleasure and passion and I was not willing to let it go. I would never be willing to let her go.

A few more tears fell from my face under my shorts and then I recalled that there was a yellow paper willing to kill me between my fingers. I opened it slowly.

" _I know that the covenant is no longer on my finger, but know that the covenant I have made with you will always be in my heart. I know you may not understand me now, but for both of us to still be half we have to be separated in two for now. I will always love you, Kurt. Never forget that. His eternal wife._ "

So. She had gone. Not that this was a doubt from the moment I saw the alliance under the counter, but to face it as truth was weighing more now. I gave a cry of fury, of pain. I felt my heart regret and having let out that cry did not release anything. It only made it weigh more, it hurt more inside me. She had gone.

She looked so happy. I was so happy. She did not want to go. I did not want her to go. But she went and I could not do anything.

I could not even believe that it was happening again.

Again someone had gone from my life and I could not do anything. Maybe that was a curse of my life and I just had to face it.

I read his words again.

She did not ask me not to look for her. Did she want me to go? Maybe she would waste time if not, because if she wanted to hide we all knew we would never find her again.

But what if she wanted me to go?

If she wanted to, she knew she could hide anywhere and I would find her.

" _For now_ "

These words jumped in my mind. It was a temporary status. Temporarily she had to go. It was like a promise that she would come back from such bitter words of farewell. But why did she have to go? Why tear me apart? Why tear us apart? I tried to take a deep breath and another tear fell. It fell under my ring as a reminder. Reminder of our wedding vows.

I closed my eyes and listened clearly to his turn telling me how on that day he did everything to protect me and protect those I love. She was running away from it, I knew. But why was she running away to protect me and put herself at risk, the person I loved the most in this life? It seemed so incoherent. It made my blood run with anger, revolt, indignation.

But I knew that nothing would seem coherent to me at that moment. Anything. Not even sit in that chair. Even because sitting there would not lead to anything, only in their memories and I did not want memories. I wanted life. I wanted to live those moments all over again, not just in my memories.

I took the paper and put it in my pocket and got up. I stopped in front of the balcon where his wedding ring still danced ordinarily under my gaze. I had to do something. I had to slip that ring back on his finger, even if it was the last thing I did in my life.

I grabbed her under my finger and headed for our bedroom. I returned with her dancing under my collar, a suitcase with some clothes and determination in the eyes. The determination to find it again.

Two months later, after finally viewing it, I could be sure:

She wanted me to find her.

She was very scared.

She had missed his look.

And still, the wedding ring still hung on his finger, and it had never been undone in my heart.

And not in her heart.


End file.
